March 18, 2012 § Leave a comment
I’m sitting here at Starbucks blankly staring at my screen. I find myself typing out a sentence only to delete it. I’m discovering that it is rather difficult to find the words to write this post. Sorry if it is a little jumbled.
This past year has been an… experience, for lack of a better word. This week last year, I was admitted to the hospital because my symptoms had progressed and I was starting to have a lot of balance issues and therefore had trouble walking. I had known that things weren’t right, but when I was being sent to the hospital for treatment, it began to sink in that something was seriously wrong. I stayed in the hospital for four days receiving intravenous high dose steroids. In addition to the multitude of tests that had already been worked up in the previous months, I had additional blood work done, a spinal tap, and another MRI. Eventually, all of this resulted in being given an official diagnosis of MS.
I knew, based off of my ‘very scientific’ online research combined with my symptoms, MS was a strong possibility. I remember sitting in the neurologists office right before I went into the hospital and asking him if he was under the impression that this was Multiple Sclerosis. He simply nodded his head and said until proven otherwise, yes.
With that nod, I all the sudden I felt like my world was crashing down around me. I remember over the next few days my husband simply holding me as I cried into his chest, trying to come to terms of what this meant for our lives. I had only met one person with MS and they were rather disabled, barely able to walk. I had so many questions. So much uncertainty. Is that how I will end up? Is disability inevitable?
I think of all of this now, a year later and it seems so surreal, like it’s a story of someone else’s life. Or maybe like a distant dream. When I begin to think about the different paths that could have been taken from that point, I begin to get rather emotional and I’m more thankful than I even know how to express.
I start to think of all of the “what if’s.” What if I would have just listened to my doctor, accepted my original diagnosis and stayed on immunomodulatory therapy? What if I wouldn’t have been open to a holistic way of thinking? If I never would have put any credibility to the MSA test and therefore never had a Lyme test ran? I find all of these questions rather overwhelming, as the predicted outcome to each scenario seems rather bleak.
Its been a year since I began to realize that, one way or another, my life was never going to be the same. This year could have gone a multitude of different ways and with that being said, I am so grateful that it has unfolded the way that it has.
I am beyond thankful for amazing family and friends that have given Brandon and I an immense amount of support through all of the ups and downs that we have experienced this year. And again, I don’t even know how to put into words how appreciative I am… Sincerely, thank you!